Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
You Might Also Like
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
oh good, now I can stop drinking
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy