Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
You Might Also Like
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ