I just ran a .003048K
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DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Selfie
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed