[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
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I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
“I wouldn’t.”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”