Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
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him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent