Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
remember
only for emergencies
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.