I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Watermelon Boss!
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Nice try, NASA
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.