[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
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Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I am HOWLING at this
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.