[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
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Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Yup….perfect score!
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story