The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
The real reason evolution started..😂
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.