Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
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My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.