anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
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Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
That’s it.I’m out.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.