Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
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Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
he was correct
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once