had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
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If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ