Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
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They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My love language is hissing.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Pikachu found the lost joint
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is