ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
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I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here