My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
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Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”