me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
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This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I drew y’all a little something.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace