DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
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Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…