Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
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Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah