oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
You Might Also Like
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I have a new favorite meme page
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Bit chilly again tonight.