Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
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i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”