Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
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I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”