I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
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Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
What about a To-Don’t List?
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine