I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
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I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.