[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
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One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Hey! This isn’t my car!
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada