[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
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Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
reduce, reuse, recycle
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.