My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next