I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
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I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8