just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
You Might Also Like
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
the last thing a carrot sees
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?