ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Damn what did I do next
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
True?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”