Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
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My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
A choir of Spring onions
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs