The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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Clients after you give them your rates
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.