Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
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Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂