My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
You Might Also Like
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
#ProTip
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention