This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
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The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I finally found a reason to live again.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one