wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
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[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Jupiter
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.