My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
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What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Your honor these allegations are
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody