I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
You Might Also Like
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.