I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
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ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand