Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
You Might Also Like
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Okay
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My neck, my back, my…
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.