ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
You Might Also Like
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business