Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
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The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind