Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
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My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them