got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
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I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
When you kidnap a writer.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?