I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Yeah. This was me today.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people