Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
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once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad