Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
You Might Also Like
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
*swipes right on my hand mirror
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.