my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
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me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Yep.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.