A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
You Might Also Like
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
A new level of troll.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics